31 days 

It’s been 31 days since I read about my husbands double life. 31 days since my heart split open and everything became tainted. 31 days that have been a mix of so many emotions that I don’t even know where to begin to describe them. 31 days trying to figure out how the person I’ve loved for 21 years could of betrayed me the way he has. 
I hate that I’m now the person that suspects wrong in his every doing. I was never that way. I always gave him enough rope always thinking that if temptation knocked he’d remember his vows to me. I believed that no matter how our communication broke down that if he slipped up he would be remorseful and not repeat it. That I could live with. I was such a fool. Maybe I’m still being a fool in letting him stay here in our house , by agreeing to counselling to become amicable. I have so much anger now. I need to find a way to get it out, I feel it festering. It feels toxic and foreign. 
I sent her a message. I found her on Facebook. I want her to feel an ounce of the pain I’m feeling. I know it takes two to tango. They are both to blame but it’s easier for me to focus this anger towards her then to the man I love. I want her to lay awake at night thinking of the consequences of what she’s done. I told her that I have written proof of the affair. I told her that I hope she’s sleeping well at night. She knows I can tell her husband all about it, tell her boss and get her fired but in doing so it gets my husband fired so that’s no good. I know it’s juvenille and gets me nowhere really but for now I get satisfaction imagining her squirm.
My husband asked me why I messaged her and I explained the above. He said I should speak to my therapist about it. I discovered that he’s been in my phone and deleted my pics of their messages to each other. I was so angry and hence my message to the whore. I thought it might of been her keen to get rid of any evidence but he says he deleted them for my benefit. He doesn’t think me looking at them everyday is conducive to us moving forward. I told him I don’t need messages to remember. The shit I read is ingrained in me now forever. He doesn’t get it. 
So that’s where we are at. He wants me to tell therapist that we need a couples session ASAP. I explained how therapist wants a few more sessions with me regarding mum before we do couple stuff as he thinks it’s my husbands main issue with our marriage and he disagreed. 
Everything is all over the place. Im busy packing in prep for moving house in 4 weeks. We discussed buying a house as an upgrade for my daughter and I. If we split I fare better in that we have a bigger asset to share. It’s hard as we dont know what the next few weeks will bring. 
I’m getting by day by day trying not to project my thoughts too far in the future for now. It’s all I can handle right now. 

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5 thoughts on “31 days 

  1. I’ve been following along without commenting for a while, but I wanted to let you know that I grew up with a very similar mother (but she had borderline personality disorder, severe depression and anxiety, and anger issues), and it really interfered with my life. It took me so long to break free from her, that I didn’t marry until I was almost 36. It’s a big part of the reason why we can’t have children actually – I waited too long, and now I have DOR and it’s too late. I had the courage to get counseling a few years ago, and it was the hardest thing I ever did, and also the best! I encourage you to stick with it for your own sake, although I don’t know if I agree with your counselor that it’s the root cause of your marriage problems. Your issues with your mother may have come between you and your husband, but it was his choice to cheat instead of dealing with the problem in a constructive way!

    I know you’ve been with your husband for a very long time, and you want to believe the best of him while you work on reconciliation. But the fact that HE went through YOUR phone and deleted those pictures really makes me think badly of him. He shouldn’t get to decide what’s best for you to do to repair your relationship. He was the one who messed up – you should be the only one to set the terms for healing.

    And I actually think that your marriage issues and your mother issues should be treated separately, and unless you want more time, going in for marriage sessions sooner may be better. But once again, you didn’t do anything wrong, and you’re the one who needs to heal (from EVERYTHING that’s happened to you, including your recent loss) so you should be the one to set the timeline. If he truly wants to reconcile, he should be doing whatever he can to make things easier for you, not pushing his own agenda.

    I was going to say more about “the other woman” but I feel like I’ve been preaching, which is probably not something you need right now. I really hope you can figure out what’s best for you and your daughter. Infertility is hard enough without an unsupportive partner.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for commenting. I totally agree with everything you’ve just said. I don’t believe it’s mum is the main issue in our marriage but I do believe that I need to create boundaries for myself from her. I’ve been trying to do that without success for such a long time, much like yourself from the sounds of it. I’m sorry it’s been so hard for you. I feel like I’m trapped in her web. It’s suffocating and breaking free feels so complicated. I’m glad your looking after yourself now but I’m so sorry it’s interfered with your fertility. My heart goes out to you.
      I agree about the pics on my phone too. It’s not up to him! The ball is totally in my court and obviously that doesn’t sit well with him. Our next couple session will be interesting! Stay tuned to this soap opera that has become my life haha.
      Thanks for your support xx

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  2. I personally can’t quite get over the fact he went onto your phone and deleted the messages. For me it’s not his place to decide what is good or isn’t good for you. The trust issues are with him and not you how dare he.

    He has no right to go onto your phone and do that, he was the one having an affair.

    I also think that is complete madness he’s still working at his company and with the woman, after everything he’s done he’s still working there. I can’t fathom it or understand it.

    He should be making every effort to sort this out, find a new job and cut ties.

    This is not your fault and blame placed on your and your mother are unacceptable in my opinion, he should have spoken up. If he stopped at one point to question his actions, to not send at least one of the texts, to not meet up with her.

    We have choices, each decision we make is a choice. He made the choice to go through with his behaviour, he didn’t stop and take responsibility for what he was doing.

    He only stopped because he was caught.

    I realise this is easy me to to say and i am not in your position nor can i understand, just know you and your daughter deserve so much more.

    My thoughts and love go out to you

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for your comment Hun. I wish they werent working together but he’s in an executive position and his position is not so easy to come by. Hers on the other hand is easier to find employment so hopefully she leaves.
      Your completely right, he had no intention of telling me. He said he was planning to ask for a seperation but I’m sure he wasn’t going to come clean about her.
      There’s just too much emotion at the moment in order for us to communicate. We really need an intermediary in counselling. Discussing this together right now will get us nowhere. Going to couples session this week so hopefully get a clearer picture. Thank you for your thoughts xx

      Liked by 1 person

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