What sort of woman?

Been thinking about her a lot the past week or so. I can’t really describe the feelings I have towards her. Part of me wants to meet her, talk with her and find out what sort of woman she is but part of me already knows. A lowlife that’s what she is. What sort of woman could do what she has? I honestly could not imagine if I was in her shoes and knew of my recent struggles that I could of done what she has. She knew everything about me and my relationship with my husband. She knew of our IVF attempts, my depression, counselling sessions and that I was taking Zoloft. She knew that I was having a termination the day she left work to meet up with him and spend the day at the beach together. I want to ask her what that felt like. How did her heart feel? How did she sleep that night? Did any part of her being relate at all or was there no empathy between her and I? She’s a mother surely she would of had an inkling of what I would of been going through. I of course have similar questions to my husband. He’s by no means let off the hook but I am letting myself be consumed by her right now. 
Do I feel jealousy? It’s not the overriding feeling right now but I’m sure that will come. I feel disgust mainly. I just keeping asking myself how? How? How is the exact question I asked my husband when I confronted him but he had no answer. He kept saying that there was nothing he could say to make it better and that it had felt horrible. 
It’s that day. That day November 4th, the worst day of my life that I can’t get over. The day I said goodbye to life inside of me. Everytime i think of this betrayal on that day it feels like someone has reached in and ripped my heart out of my chest. I didn’t think that the day could hold any more pain for me but here I am.  
I will survive this. Somehow I will come out the other end stronger, wiser and happier. I can’t let this destroy my belief that there is good in people. I don’t want this to destroy my trust in love and kindness. After I had confronted him I wrote something in my phone notes. It was an overwhelming feeling that I had to note down. I keep referring back to it when I’m finding it tough. 
Here’s my note below. It reminds me that it’s no good me reacting with fear and hate. I will remain the better person through this. 

Love trumps all. Fill your heart with love and all will be ok. More love, less fear. 


13 thoughts on “What sort of woman?

  1. I would want to get the same answers – I cannot imagine how a woman can have such a casual date with a man knowing his wife is recovering from a termination. I just cannot wrap my head around it. I’m just so sorry – I know I say that every single time I comment. Just know that I think of you often.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Definite question “what kind of woman is she” and also how could he. But they both made their choices so you cant change things regarding them. I was very shocked that they spent the day enjoying while you were miserable and recovering from losing your much longed for 2nd child. So that explains much about them. Betrayal is not the successful path. Being true and honest is the righteous. Hold on to the path you are on with love in your heart. As you said , love trumps all.You are definitely very strong and i am very proud you are managing all this so well! You are already much stronger and wiser.

    You are always in my morning prayers.Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. These questions, i can only imagine how strong the need for answers is. To be so heartless as a woman, as a man to do what they have done. Perhaps she just didn’t think about it, surely it must be eating her up inside when she’s alone…. I have no words for two people who can be so cruel and their excuses that go with it.

    I get it, a relationship is a two way street but i don’t personally believe it’s an excuse for such cowardly behaviour. Your husband should have stood up and spoken to you about it, not had an affair. I don’t want to speak out of turn here, i really don’t but it makes me angry. I echo ‘wishing to be called inay soon’ in that you are loved, here, outside of these virtual blogs.

    You will get through this and will be stronger for it x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I wouldn’t want to be them for sure! And even though you seem to be the victim in all that,you are the one still standing and with integrity intact. You can GROW through this. And yes,yhere is such a thing as post traumatic growth. Pursue it. I think you already are and you will just love the person you become.

    Liked by 1 person

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