Been thinking about her a lot the past week or so. I can’t really describe the feelings I have towards her. Part of me wants to meet her, talk with her and find out what sort of woman she is but part of me already knows. A lowlife that’s what she is. What sort of woman could do what she has? I honestly could not imagine if I was in her shoes and knew of my recent struggles that I could of done what she has. She knew everything about me and my relationship with my husband. She knew of our IVF attempts, my depression, counselling sessions and that I was taking Zoloft. She knew that I was having a termination the day she left work to meet up with him and spend the day at the beach together. I want to ask her what that felt like. How did her heart feel? How did she sleep that night? Did any part of her being relate at all or was there no empathy between her and I? She’s a mother surely she would of had an inkling of what I would of been going through. I of course have similar questions to my husband. He’s by no means let off the hook but I am letting myself be consumed by her right now.
Do I feel jealousy? It’s not the overriding feeling right now but I’m sure that will come. I feel disgust mainly. I just keeping asking myself how? How? How is the exact question I asked my husband when I confronted him but he had no answer. He kept saying that there was nothing he could say to make it better and that it had felt horrible.
It’s that day. That day November 4th, the worst day of my life that I can’t get over. The day I said goodbye to life inside of me. Everytime i think of this betrayal on that day it feels like someone has reached in and ripped my heart out of my chest. I didn’t think that the day could hold any more pain for me but here I am.
I will survive this. Somehow I will come out the other end stronger, wiser and happier. I can’t let this destroy my belief that there is good in people. I don’t want this to destroy my trust in love and kindness. After I had confronted him I wrote something in my phone notes. It was an overwhelming feeling that I had to note down. I keep referring back to it when I’m finding it tough.
Here’s my note below. It reminds me that it’s no good me reacting with fear and hate. I will remain the better person through this.
Love trumps all. Fill your heart with love and all will be ok. More love, less fear.