The love of his life?

Have hit a real low point today. It’s my daughters 5th birthday today, we bought a house on the weekend and I’ve come down with a virus. I also got a horrible period reminding me that I would of been beginning IVF medications. I don’t know what I’m doing, how I should be feeling or what I should be planning for. 
We’ve been looking to buy a house for a while now. We spoke, since finding out my husbands infidelity about upgrading our house to something we could afford to maintain if my husband was to leave which looks likely. Something that I was looking forward to so much has been tainted in the most horrible way. I’m so confused. He’s agreed to marriage counselling but I can’t help wonder if he’s just biding his time. I can’t cope with this anymore. I feel so sad. How can someone who was coupled with me just last year to have another baby all of a sudden decide that none of this is for him. He just wants to up and leave his wife and child. We haven’t been able to communicate effectively for a while now. Since having our daughter 5 years ago thing have been strained with us. We both don’t know if it’s too late to save it. He says that the affair was a symptom of our relationship breakdown not the cause. I just can’t erase all the hurtful things I read in those messages. I don’t know what to do. 
He says that both of them have broken off their affair saying that they both agreed that it was the worst thing either of them had done. No shit Sherlock that’s big of you. I wonder what the mood is like at work for them seeing that they work across the hall from each other. We haven’t really had anymore big talks since the night I confronted him. I dont think we are able to communicate effectively without a third party so I’m waiting till we go back to counselling to sort more stuff out. 
We discussed, among other things in counselling , my mum and her influence on our relationship. My mum is bi-polar and had been since I was young. She’s very needy of me and our roles are reversed in that I feel like the mother in our relationship. Whilst she helps me out with our daughter a lot and adores her she is very draining of my energy and she in turn affects my husband and daughter. It’s not as easy as putting distance between us as I’ve tried that and I find her neediness gets worse as she panics that she is being abandoned. 
So the counsellor suggested that I need to firstly emotionally remove myself from mum to give me emotional independence so that I can start working on our marriage. It feels like a lot that I have to do and not much that he has to, well at this stage anyway. 
In the meantime I can’t help but feel that our fate is sealed. That our 22 year relationship is being thrown out like waste. I don’t know where I am to go from here. I feel like I’m losing a limb, a part of my soul. No matter what our troubles in my heart I always believed that love was at the centre of us. He told me that night that I’m the love of his life and that he’d spend the rest of his life making it up to me for what he’s done. 

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15 thoughts on “The love of his life?

  1. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. Since following your blog, I feel your joys and pains. Thank you for being so raw and honest.

    Your husband – I have no words. Is he sorry or sorry that he was caught.

    Still sending you and your little one positive thoughts. Head up high, you’re stronger that you think.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your support. It sure is a crappy time right now. Feeling every emotion and I feel so drained.
      He did say he was sorry that he did what he did to me and I do believe that he is. He said he was a coward for not attempting to mend our relationship earlier. I just feel such overwhelming sadness. I don’t know where to from here. Time will tell xx

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  2. Like ‘wishing to be called…’ since i have followed your blog i feel so much of you joys and pain. I wish there was something i could say to help. I just hope your husband is being honest, you need to focus on what will be best for you and your daughter (not what he needs). Thoughts are with you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree. We sure have a lot to work through. Our first priority is ensuring our daughter is happy and remains as unaffected as possible. In order to do that we have to get to a place where we can at least be amicable. What happens after that I’m not sure yet. Thank you for thoughts xx

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  3. I’m very torn here. Here are my honest feelings. It just feels like what he did, considering everything you guys have been through… it just makes it “that much worse”. I don’t want to feel like I’m picking at your wounds.. But this wasn’t just one indiscretion… one slip up.. This was from what you said a year worth of actions. And on certain days that you were very medically in need of care. Honestly, it just feels inhuman. And that makes me question a persons entire character.
    I also agree with your statement, from everything you have said in this recent post, it sounds like you have do a lot of the changing. And while yes, there are probably certain aspects of your life emotionally you want to make better… What about him? And the fact that he still works with this woman.. I’m sorry to be saying these things.. But I feel like if you were my friend “IRL” I would be telling you that I would be there for you no matter what your decision was, but that you need to think and look deep to make the right one. This is extremely painful right now, you are in a raw state still.. from so many things.. not just him being an absolute hurtful bastard. I would suggest you make any decisions carefully and not out of comfort so to speak. The fear of the unknown is a extremely scary thing. You had a vision of what your life was going to be. And now, now matter which route you choose, it will always be different going forward. Knowledge changes things. But no matter what the choice you make, you can be happy.
    You are just in such a hard spot right now. Its extremely unfair and as others have said, I’ve followed your blog for a while now and I feel I have become invested into how you are doing and coping. We are all routing for you and wishing you the best possible outcome for you and your daughter.

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  4. I can only imagine how confusing, upsetting and overwhelming this must all be at the moment. I hope that the counseling continues to go well and hopefully help.. I have heard of marriages being able to survive an affair so it may be something that could be possible, IF that is what you want. I have no idea how you go about deciding, so I just hope that the counseling will help and you will figure out how to best move forward.

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  5. I hope everything works out if that is what you want. I admire you because I don’t think I could stay with my husband if he did that to me and I have to agree with what “myjourneytotwo” said. I’m sorry you are going through so much, but don’t give up and stay strong.

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    1. Thank you. It sure is a situation I never thought I’d find myself in. Losing my baby was I thought the hardest thing to come to terms with and didn’t expect to be losing my husband as well. These things make us stronger and make us better people, or so I hear. Thank you for your support xx

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  6. Thank you so much for your heartfelt comment. I do appreciate how thoughtful you’ve been with all your support. I should update that I have since found out that the affair was over 3 months and started on an overseas work trip. So late October it started and I was pregnant at the time. It’s a lot to get past regardless of the time frame and your right, I have to do some serious thinking about whether I want to try and mend us or not. In time I need to find out exactly his thought process behind his actions. I need that to be able to at least understand where that part of him came from. It’s a part I’m not familiar with at all and that’s really confronting and had me asking myself all sorts of questions. I don’t know how it got to this. I’m also aware it takes two to tango so to speak and of course my actions and our lack of communication has contributed to the breakdown. I feel like we’ve only just skimmed the surface on what’s really going on inside each other’s heads with our first counselling session together.
    I think I just have to take it one step at a time. I keep thinking of my daughter first and foremost but have to try and remember to care for myself too. That’s hard when your feeling low but planning on that becoming a priority soon too xx

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