Centre of the earth 

I knew that news was coming. I had no warning as to what the news would deliver. I was out food shopping with my daughter when a number I recognised was calling on my phone. I answered and was asked if I could talk. Yes I could talk. She said ‘I’m sorry but the results have come back positive for Down’s syndrome.’ Anything else she said following that are a blur. 
Everything around me slowed down. It was just me holding onto to the centre of the earth spinning out of control. I thanked her for the call and wheeled my shopping trolley with my daughter in it out into the car park. Meanwhile my daughter was crying that her chocolate surprise egg was melting. Real tears. I had to hold it together till I got in the car. I packed my groceries into the boot, packed her in her car seat with her tears constant. The centre of the earth was holding mine. I got into the car, reversed and then cried along with my daughter. My tears echoed hers at first, not real tears with depth but once i started mine were soul shaking. I felt like these sobs were coming from the very core of me, from somewhere primal seldom accessed by me. 
Gut wrenching sobs continued on the drive home and I felt all my hopes and dreams for everything pass in front of my eyes and I saw them fall away. 
My daughters tears increased in intensity to match mine and she started asking me questions. Why are you crying mumma? Why are you so sad mumma? Over and over again. A new avalanche of sobs came from me. 
Have you ever had the very thing that scares you come to fruition? Have you ever thought to yourself ‘God surely wouldnt be so cruel to have that happen to me?’ Have you had these thoughts hold you together in your most trying times? I have. 
It does something to your soul when even your definition of the unthinkable actually happens to you. There’s a sadness that my soul owns now. I can see it in my own eyes. I even look different. The light in my eyes have dimmed some what. 

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8 thoughts on “Centre of the earth 

  1. I cant even imagine what you are feeling. But yes i know how it feels when u see urself in the mirror and realize where the old you went… what happened to that girl who used to laugh wildly and enjoy with full freedom and not a care in the world…

    Today at my dr’s clinic…i was in the ladies room emptying my bladder for my transvaginal when a lady came in crying super hard…. i just couldnt bear it.. i asked her friend who was with her if she was okay and she replied.. her babys gone. I was devastated… i remembered you and i felt i hated my clinic after seeing this.. suddenly made me feel it was an unlucky clinic and God knows what not came to my mind 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my sweet please don’t feel like that. Yes there are many horrible things happening to people BUT there are just as many beautiful things happening to people too. I think it’s natural to see and feel there are more bad stuff than good when your in this minefield called infertility. Much love to you and hoping for everything good for you xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Your story is staying with me and I’ve tried to keep you in my list of concerns, adding you to those I pray peace for. Today is no different. If it’s the center of the earth holding you steady, burrow closer to it. I don’t know if all the light will come back to your eyes, but be patient with the newly formed you.

    Liked by 1 person

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