There’s the truth

My minds a buzz with so many conflicting thoughts lately. Exhausting! I’m driving myself crazy worrying over this pregnancy. 
There’s the truth.
I marvel at how relaxed and nonchalant I was during my pregnancy with my daughter. Nothing fazed me. I’m a different person now. 
The pain of my miscarriage has resurfaced. I’m exactly at the time now that my miscarriage occurred. Every time I go to the loo I check for blood. Every cramp I analyse. I keep checking in on my nausea and wonder if it’s still there. I truly don’t know if I could cope if that was to happen again. The intensity of the happiness I feel deep in my gut is frightening. When I do allow myself to feel that happiness. I’m so frightened of losing it that I won’t allow myself to fully realise it. 
I know I must have faith right. God has a master plan for all of us. Part of me can’t believe that finally something good is coming my way. It’s been so long. Something good. My heart needs that. 
First 7 week ultrasound in 3 more sleeps. I want it to be here but I don’t. Praying for good news xx🙏

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12 thoughts on “There’s the truth

  1. The anxiety that comes with pregnancy after miscarriage is debilitating. You are in my thoughts. It does lessen.
    The weeks surrounding when my mc happened were terrifying for me in this pregnancy. Just as you said, analyzing, checking for blood. Losing sleep, overall paralyzed with fear. But as each week has passed, it has become easier. Still not that blissful pregnancy that we dream of, but I can sleep now.
    Thinking of you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Praying for a great ultrasound for you! I felt many of the same things you are describing. I’m 16 weeks now. I can tell you each week got a little better for me. Never worry-free or blissful but I eventually stopped checking for blood and panicking at twinges.

    Liked by 1 person

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