Who would of thought

I’m so over myself. Truly I am. I feel a certain kind of festering inside that I can’t fully explain. I don’t like the feeling. It feels like bitterness. It’s not familiar and I don’t like it.
I want to feel free and open and dare I say hopeful. I want to feel trusting, I want to feel love but instead I feel fearful and defeated.
Infertility your such bullshit! You scare the crap out of me! Your soul destroying. You really are. I’ve had some trying times in my life and consider myself strong for having got through them but this challenge is unparalleled by any of it. Who would of known that this beast that is infertility was around the corner for me. Not me that’s for sure.
Who would of that the thought of you would take over my every waking hour. Who would of that that I would blame myself for everything. Who would of thought that one miscarriage would turn my life upside down and wrench my heart from its resting place. Who would of thought I’d feel like I’ll never get over it and that it will forever be the last thing I think about before I shut my eyes at night and the first thing I’d think of come morning.
But there’s a grand plan for us all right? If I don’t stop thinking there is I’m sure I’ll go nuts.

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4 thoughts on “Who would of thought

  1. I know, too much thinking will drive you nuts. Trying to control the uncontrollable and know the unknowable. This isn’t just a matter of trying hard and staying strong. That still won’t necessarily get you what your heart most desires. I wish you peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, I’ve been exactly where you are right now. It is tough. Almost unbearable at times. Try to hang in there. Try. To. Keep. Your. Spirits. Up. I know, it is easy to say but more or less impossible to do while you are in the middle of the storm. I’ll keep thinking of you. Lots of Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

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