I still believe in you

Infertility feels like losing a little part of yourself everyday. It’s busy instilling a bitterness in my soul Ive never felt before. It feels a constant battle to choose between the thing I so desperately want and the things I feel I used to possess such as a good relationship with my husband, performing well in my job, and being a present and giving mum and friend. It makes me question everything and everyone around me. It feels like losing. It’s the challenge of holding onto hope whilst simultaneously preparing yourself for disappointment.
It makes me unsure of tomorrow, even unsure sometimes how I’ll get to the next day, but yet I do. The world still turns. It still turns regardless of what seemingly devastating event is taking place in my life. Just when I think that I can’t imagine how I’ll deal with this scenario or that scenario, I do. I look back and marvel that I survived it. There should be some solace in that I think. I’m almost certainly stronger than I give myself credit for. That much I know.
We’ve almost come to the end of our 3rd, almost certainly failed cycle and I know we will dive head first into our next attempt. I can’t not. Can’t even consider it. With tears in my eyes and a knot in my heart I have to keep trudging forward. I’m not ready to give up on this yet. A more sensible person probably would. They’d see the stats, see the effort, see the heartache and probably decide against it.
But I still believe in you.